Chain of Strength to cover the band Chain of Strength at Rev Fest NYC

As anticipation builds to fever pitch for the first Chain gigs in many, many years, HCHeadlines can exclusively reveal the answer to the question on everyone’s lips - exactly which cover versions will Chain be busting out in New York in October? The answer may surprise you. Chain’s vocalist Curt Canales confirmed to our reporter: “We will be covering the band Chain of Strength. We had a lot of discussions about what to play--obviously our entire recorded output is only 11 songs, and we want to give the fans their money’s worth--so a cover or two is necessary. We toyed with the idea of maybe a 7 Seconds song, or Minor Threat, but no. The kids are there to see the mighty ChainXCrew. And that’s exactly what we are going to give them. Plus, what more more worthwhile or legendary band could we pick? It’s simple--there just aren't any. We will play our usual set, and then a hand-picked selection of covers of our own material. I don’t want to tell you which ones, exactly...but let’s just say one of them rhymes with ‘Blue ill Meth’. We felt it was about time the Chain catalogue received some decent cover versions. SO many bands have covered us over the years, and to be honest all the ones I heard sucked. I mean, did you hear Bane’s version of ‘Just how much’? Jesus. It sounded like a bunch drugged penguins  with restricted motor function.” Our reporter tentatively suggested that perhaps covering the Justice League (Chain’s precursors, featuring Chris Bratton and Ryan Hoffman from the band) song ‘Chain of Strength’ might make more sense. “Shit! Forgot about that. Hmm. Nah, fuck it.” Canales concluded.

SO LONG, AND THANKS FOR ALL THE MOSH

@HCHeadlines started six months ago, and rather than run the risk of becoming even unfunnier than we are already, we are quitting while we are still technically 'ahead'.

This was done out of love for (and fascination with) HARDCORE – which has been a big part of our lives for a VERY long time. Writing this crap has been a lot of fun for us. We really appreciate all the support we have had and would like to say a sincere THANK YOU to the many, many people who said something nice about us, or RTd any of our headlines. Some of you have doggedly RTd our headlines on a daily basis, and it has not gone unnoticed – we salute you!

If we didn’t RT a joke you sent us, please don't take it personally! Some of them were very funny – but we never RTd ANYTHING, ever. (We never used hash tags either. They're annoying, like a perpetually shit joke that NEVER ENDS.)

We could tell you who was behind this account, but you would be so PROFOUNDLY UNDERWHELMED that it's best for us to remain mysterious and enigmatic, like Jack the Ripper or the more obscure members of Slipknot (the Rev one, duh).

If you want to write to us for any reason, possibly to tell us we are callously destroying the one remaining thing in your life that had some vague semblance of meaning, please do: hcheadlines@ymail.com

Now, for your reading pleasure, and in handy 'can be printed off and passed to your tattooist' format, is every headline we ever posted. Probably. We might have missed one or two of the ones we did when we were off our mash on goofballs. Right... BYE. LOVE YOU. TAKE CARE. XXXX

Infamous ‘Edgebreak list’ to be resurrected as Broadway musical

No Warning and Guns Up! dinner date: ‘super awkward’

Edge tattoo cover up required before edge tattoo completed

Profits from straight edge clothing company spent on other straight edge clothing

HR and RickTaLife jostle for position as premier Hardcore mentalist

Smiths idolatry blamed for marked increase in foppishness in hardcore

Insted finally apologise for spelling error

Melinicks still not returning Dwid’s calls

Ray Cappo to conduct guided tours around own ego

JUDGE reunion contract negotiations still stalling over 'Old Smoke' clause

‘Deathcore’

Squeaky-voiced crew member ruins gang vocal

'Power-violence' mostly played by 'milquetoast-pacifists'

Straight Edge Council of Elders confirm fourth ever recorded instance of 'True Till Death'

Hardcore band books first rehearsal, releases pre-orders

eBay seller accidentally omits phrase ‘bid hard’ from auction

Victory Records intern finally stumps up courage to ask what a 'Raybeez' is

Hardcore band's bassist wakes at 2am in a cold sweat, realising no-one would really notice if he played on the record or not

Holy Terrorist wondering how to tell Mom that newly-freed Manson will be crashing at theirs for a while, just till he gets his shit together

Hardcore and punk to formally sever all ties

Middle-aged hardcore dude continually using internet to tell everyone how much better hardcore was before internet

European hardcore discovered, ignored

Concept of Straight Edge explained to Grandma for fifth fucking time

Band starting to realise maybe they should have actually listened to the test presses before selling them on with those crappy covers

Chubby Fresh's sweat towel REALLY not looking forward to that OLC/Heavyweight gig this summer

Crowd pleasantly surprised by vocalist urging them to 'Stay at the back and chill if you're comfortable there, no problem at all'

Girth Crisis: reunion obesity at critical levels, stages reinforced nationwide

Stage Potatoes Union lobbying heavily for more opportunities to get in the way, nod out of time, be very sweaty, point a bit in the choruses

'Friends press' sold on eBay by seven different friends

Grindcore drummer praying for a mid-set reggae number

Singer of Harm’s Way deemed exempt from all satirical scrutiny

Revelation to reissue Rev 1-10 in some kind of new way they haven't quite figured out, maybe to celebrate like an anniversary or something

Band still monitoring myspace page views

Dwid embarrassed to discover Integrity2000 line up still diligently rehearsing in his closet

Support band inspires languid push-mosh

Panicked beatdown vocalist accidentally inserts the word 'creamy' into mosh call

Seventh Dagger admit that the xTyrantx/Grateful Dead split was a 'huge mistake'

After intense debate, Youth Crew band finally agree to go with Varsity font and cartoon of man in hooded sweatshirt

Phrase 'post-crabcore' used in all seriousness

Band's demo balancing precariously between 'raw, frenetic' and 'badly recorded, not very tight'

American touring band can't wait to get the hell away from this goddamn European enthusiasm, hospitality and good manners

Scientists discover circle pits always run counter-clockwise in Southern Hemisphere

'Mean Steve' now just 'Steve'

Band unable to come up with ideas for video that don't involve walking down graffiti-ridden streets towards camera, trying to look menacing

Hardcore kid wondering why no-one has ever tried to incorporate 'punk rock' into HC before

Ian Mackaye briefly considers restarting Hardline movement, just to freak people out

Vocalist forced to halt song to tell audience member if he can't share, he can't singalong

Strife agree SXE songs to be sung by chorus of certified Edgemen, while Rick Rodney mercilessly whipped with OG x-swatches at side of stage

Two show-goers mortified as they defy million-to-one odds and arrive in matching Cold World shirts

Band contemplate how much more merch would fit in the van if they ditched the second guitarist

Supreme Hardcore Council seeking clarity on what exactly the fuck 'hardstyle' is

Length of shout-outs given longer than actual song

Undeniable air of smugness emanating from dude moshing to cover no-one else recognises

Promoter contemplating if adding eighth band could qualify use of term 'fest'

Bands' girlfriends unconsciously competing for who's got the nicest laid out merch table

HC kid makes wondrous voyage from young, ultra-positive weiner to cocky, pious little shit to cynical, jaded hipster in just 18 magical months

Bassist dealing with decision to wear hoody and cap during set stoically, sweatily

'New Jersey Straight Edge' Varsity jacket seized after crossing State line

Own band's tee only ever worn indoors

Vocalist spends instrumental section squatting by front of bass drum, nodding moodily

Benefit succeeds in raising awareness about something to do with nets and fish or something

Misanthropic, unsociable narcissist uses lyrics to preach tolerance, friendship and understanding

Headwalk victims' class action suit gathering momentum

Mongoloids t-shirt mountain visible from space

Laboratory tests reveal 83% of hardcore is 'basically just metal, minus the dungeons and dragons shit'

Emmure to split after being forced to sit down and listen to own discography

First band at fest's deliberate delay to start time vindicated by arrival of two more audience members

Second guitarist is never going to quite shake these vague feelings of inadequacy, even if that was him on the t-shirt live shot

Chubby Fresh finds, eats Jesus

Straight Edge Vegan unconvincingly cites 'partying' as main interest in social network bio

Band print laughably optimistic amount of girl-sized shirts

Doughnuts ex-members wish the bassist would stop emailing them about a reunion tour and just let it go

Edge kid involuntarily harbours feelings of emotional connection to anyone wearing varsity jacket

Both guitarists, bassist opt for jumping up and down during first few open-chord bars of intro

Band struggling to figure out exact amount of material required for 10"

Seventh Dagger executive board uneasy about how signing band without Xs either side of name will sit with core demographic

Overly complex gang vocal proving a challenge for assembled troglodytes

Band slightly taken aback by lack of theft from unmanned merch table

Hardcore fest's fighting schedule marred by repeated, spontaneous outbreaks of unity and understanding

Kevin Seconds' latest solo effort turned off after just seven seconds

Heartfelt, moving dedication given to friend currently outside show hitting on underage girls

Promoter's cat turns nose up at several largely untouched containers of unspecified vegan mulch

Bitter, jaded old hardcore dude really getting into the bitter, jaded hardcore the youngsters are playing these days

Terrible drummer now proud to be weak link in three different bands

Promoter thinking that single, solitary 15 year old kid not really appreciating the trouble everyone went to to make this show all ages

Karl Beuchner and bandana to separate permanently, publicist announces

Interviewer asks Ian Mackaye if he 'is still edge' for third time just to see that hilarious involuntary eye twitching again

e-Beef executives in talks with PayPal to provide quick, convenient way to actually settle internet shit-talking

Reviewer struggling to complete 'screamo' record review without using words 'pretentious' and 'unlistenable'

Hadron Collider being recalibrated to search for theoretical RIH/Integrity split pre-orders

Any desire to actually hear record negated by ninth attempt to type in the fucking download code

New reality show follows members of Token Entry as they attempt to travel to back in time to prevent release of 'Weight of the World'

Girl mortified to see boyfriend's mosh face is identical to his sex face

Youth Crew lyricist really wishing one of his goddamn friends would betray him already

Hardcore confirmed as only genre where rapturous, orgasmic approval can be expressed through folded arms and reasonably vigorous nodding

Edge kid addicted to video games, energy drinks, fast food can't believe the shit those losers are wasting their lives and poisoning their bodies with

Token females from 80s hardcore scene demand return of less proportionate representation

Mission Merch/Rock Vegas owners tracked to Guatemala, living in shacks fashioned from unsold Shere Khan records

Accusations of unconscious homo-eroticism fiercely denied by roomful of shirtless, sweaty, muscular hardcore boys huddled together at show

Hateful, infantile, emotionally retarded frontman proud to be inspirational role model to hateful, infantile, emotional retards worldwide

Deathcore community respond to widespread accusations of a lack of substance and inventiveness with some kind of brutal breakdown, presumably

Hardcore band red faced at technical difficulties which led to massively extended set time of 14 minutes

Hardcore kid's antipathy towards both Joy Divison and hip-hop leaves him feeling pretty left out of the whole scene

Second guitarist thinking it's about time he got to do a fucking dive-bomb

Cold World/Willie Nelson collaboration 'How The Gods Kick Back And Whittle Some' proving challenging listening for all concerned

68% of 'hardstyle' band members now reasonably sure what 'hardstyle' is

Feeling of unbridled joy and achievement at finally owning a Chung King replaced almost immediately by profound existential despair

a HArdcore newsfeed consIders possibiLity of inSerting subliminAl messages inTo rANdom tweets

Hyperventilating drummer defying agreed plan to go straight into third fast one

Scott Vogel now unable to orgasm without shouting 'MAXIMUM OUTPUT!'

Second guitarist suspects layout of lyric sheet deliberately designed to position his face in crease

Ian Curtis really boring the shit out of everyone in afterlife about his bloody hardcore following

Dude a little freaked at being on thanks list, he only met them once and even then he got sick in one of their parents' cars

Highest-achieving 'street team' member rewarded with being allowed to witness bassist defecate for 45 seconds

Stagediver realises his indecision on whether to go off stage left or right has resulted in a rather effeminate little five second jig

Tattooist could quite happily live without ever seeing a ship, lighthouse or owl ever again

Intense disagreement over which Breakdown demo is superior causes band to split, blaming 'musical differences'

All 12 variants of distinctly average record now proudly displayed in collection

Attack Attacks' synthesisers become self-aware, turn, rise up against their wuss-core masters

HC kid clicks 'maybe' to Facebook event invite for show happening 2,500 miles away

College Professor wondering how many tedious theses on Straight Edge he is going to see this year

American Nightmare feeling pretty damn justified about lawsuit as residency at Jake's bar'n'bbq rises from 2 to 3 nights a week

In all the excitement, the sole member of the newly-sanctioned Hull, UK chapter completely forgot to ask what FSU actually stands for

Obese deathcore drummer playing breakdown after tedious breakdown with all the aggressive impact of a warm lettuce

Satan says recent Straight Edge following 'cute, but misguided'

Scab line up playing with precisely the amount of passion and energy that $50 a head buys

Lost enclave of 90s hardcore kids emerge from wilderness to tell their story humorlessly, self-righteously

Rick Ta Life's autobiography 'On A Horse' delayed after his publishers find him hawking xeroxed bootleg versions in his fleamarket

Straight Edge Council of Elders debate possibility of 'no jaywalking' as proposed fourth X

Show flyer on internet longs to be printed, touched, distributed

Collection of demo cassettes pretty pissed off the vinyl gets its own fucking shelves while they sit here like schmucks in this goddam shoebox

Cassettes really going to fucking lose it if the vinyl keeps taunting 'he ain't got shit to plaaaay you on, biiitch' at them

One-Life Crew's controversial new fragrance 'Pure Disgust' hits the stores, with the tag line 'Smell like America or GET OUT, VULTURES'

Band with metal music, name, lyrics, logo, imagery and hair still blithely insisting they are a hardcore band

Vocalist manages to cover 1.7 km in cross-stage pacing during intro

Guitarists' flawless execution of synchronised twin harmonic divebombs causes both to also emit small amount of pre-ejaculate

Moaning, miserable, joyless old bastard really wishing positive hardcore would make a comeback

Most entertaining breakdown at show emotional, not musical

Innovative trial at fest allows kids to purchase limited merch and simultaneously flip on eBay in one convenient, cynical transaction

New Straight Edge clothing line ‘just a mess of Xs’

Subliminal message #1: Contrary to popular belief, it's NOT obligatory to be a hateful shitbag on the Internet. Do something different. Be nice and polite. It RULES.

Crowd would stomach this impassioned speech from vocalist more if he'd move the mic away from his mouth during the heavy breathing inbetween

Nando's diners now asked whether they wish to sit in hardcore or non-hardcore section

FSU, DMS and SHARP merger abandoned after only viable combined acronym discovered to be 'SAD SMURF, PSH!'

Every non-US band casually skipped past on international hardcore comp

Comprehensive Edgebreak insurance now available, with replacement SXE band members delivered within 24 hours, available in Vegan/Jaded/Obese

Label competing for the most exclusive, unplayable format smugly release demo on 8-track cassette and wax cylinder

Ray Cappo to endorse Scientology on new Shelter record, in exchange for 'Thetan' resurrection, 'just in case the Krishna stuff was bullshit'

Lyric sheet typo diligently copied into tattoo

Band unknowingly rips off own design

Boston Beatdown/Sesame Street collaborative DVD to educate kids about the futility of violence through graphic, lengthy kerbstomping of Elmo

Three iterations of Throwdown come together for bbq, mini-golf tournament, campfire singalong

Promoter suspected of organising small-scale 'fest' solely for purpose of making laminated passes

Kid involuntarily displaying hand stamp to cute, disinterested girl on door for third time

Photographer holds out camera at arm's length to joylessly shoot off 20 photos of band he's not actually watching

Whole band ask for less of second guitarist in monitor

Hardcore kid with multiple tattoos/t-shirts of knuckledusters entirely unsure what to do with actual object

Wall of death survival rates remain steady at 100%

Band swear oath never to reveal that last-minute marker pen crisis forced them to X up with 'Rimmel's luscious long lashes' mascara

Hip-Hop starting to get bugged by this little wiener 'Hardcore' hanging round all the time and copying everything he does

Label owner's girlfriend issues ultimatum: it's me or the post office

Second guitarist demands recount as he is elected to role of 'van bitch' for third tour in a row

Ex-hardcore kids' middle-of-the-road rock band adored unquestioningly, irrationally

Beatdown guitarist nervously laughing off pop-punk past

Aged, pony-tailed sound engineer trying to convince hardcore band that they would have never existed exist 'without Zeppelin, man'

Youthcrew Vocalist starting to get a bit freaked at all these dudes pointing at him the whole time he's singing

Awkward silence at band practice as bassist tries to push his 'song' into the set again

Revelation shamefacedly admit the YOT remixes were done by the janitor

T-shirt printers congratulate band on presumed US tour as order for 4XL shirts arrives

72% of hardcore community now pretending to like dubstep

Members of generic metallic hardcore bands form side project to play generic metallic hardcore

Guest vocal pretty much indistinguishable

Tests suggest thickness of Xs on hands may be linked to genital size

OG Cro-Mags line up to finally reunite (except Harley and Parris, obviously)

25 years later, HC linguistic experts are still in disagreement over exact interpretation of 'bidip bo!'

HC kid at edge of pit pretty proud he can now move from tightly folded arms to raised-arm mosh-guard at almost ninja speed

Youth Crew band's lyricist can't wait for the world to hear his refreshing new take on subjects as diverse as unity, friendship, and betrayal

Next Emmure record to be written by rudimentary software program

Second guitarist feels burning sensation on back of neck when he realises he wasn't in on record matrix in-joke

Supreme Hardcore Council prepares annual shortlist of new bands targeted for hysterical and unwarranted hype

Three members of 'Design the Skyline' suffer major psychological and rectal trauma after Tony Victory's traditional, inductory 'bully-ramming'

Drummer excited about the whole new world of incompetent beats his freshly purchased double-kick pedal will open up

Photographer unable to select band shot that doesn't have at least two other photographers in it

HC kid proudly displaying neck and hands crammed full of questionable life choices from some of the top tattooists in the state

Bassist wakes from wonderful dream where his opinion was considered, briefly

Beatdown vocalist whips the kids into a hate-mosh frenzy but also asks everyone to please take care as Mom and Grammy are stood at the back

Band agree album tracklisting: good/crap/good/good/crap/crap on Side 1, then good/crap/crap/crap/crap/crap Side 2. CD/download one extra crap.

Black Flag bars no longer available in original context

80s hardcore kids become first generation of parents with unembarrassing record collection

Flyer for Mental, Strife and Panic reunion show mistaken for support group ad

Edge day celebrated worldwide by straight edgers continuing to not do what they dont do the other 364 days of the year

Current franchises of Misfits and Danzig share elevator without recognition

40-year-old at HC show fairly sure he heard the word 'paedophile' in two different nearby conversations

HC kids worldwide wondering whether to claim they had always been into the Roses

HC kid sandwiched between Paul Bearer and Rob Lind experiencing profound urinal freeze

Awful, awful band convince selves that spamming the shit out of many twitter accounts will entice idiots to listen to them

Kid gleefully relating mosh injury anecdote categorically fails to mention three minutes of crying

Green Rage drunk in bar lamenting what could have been

Archaeologists in 3674 make tentative assessment that at one time primitive 21st century society was ruled by a 'mosh warrior' caste

Mathcore band's mosh call expressed as an equation

Band wishes vocalist would stop mentioning his Grade 8 piano during recording, it's not going to fucking happen

Band just need a teensy bit more help in filing those last 16 holes in their 21 date tour

Thanks list unconsciously written in descending order of respect given:bros, bands, cat, favorite beverage, food, stupid in-joke, girlfriend

Research finds only possible reason for hideous, nightmarishly-garish shirts with huge prints is to distract onlookers from appalling haircuts

Militant Edgers X up Ian Mackaye during his afternoon nap

Engineer's eyes rest on bassist for less than one tenth of a second when asking if everyone is happy with the mixdown

Vocalist concerned this throat bug could compromise the timbre of his harsh guttural growling

Guitarist joylessly adding to riff database

Whilst enjoying mosh retirement, Bob and Jane will occasionally still reminisce, punch each other in the face and headwalk the grandchildren

Accidental insertion of Dashboard Confessional into Hatebreed/Cro-Mags/Madball gym mix causes major tendon damage

'From the producers of Godmoney and Edge Of Quarrel' somehow failing to secure financial backing

HC kid desperate for you to bear witness to his dark & brooding misanthropy via twitter, facebook, tumblr, instagram, bbm, google+

No-one in studio believing engineer when he tells drummer after take 24 'it's cool, we can fix it in the mix later'

Band use ancient, arcane symbols and imagery to convince you there is something really quite spooky going on in their mid-tempo metalcore

Band can't wait to get home and share all the great memories, amusing photos and exotic STDs they picked up on tour

Morbidly obese stagediver causes pit stampede, structural damage

Older, jaded guitarist recruiting fresh-faced young band members solely for the opportunity to comprehensively crush their dreams

Minor Threat reunion 'will happen, when the money is right'

GUTG very excited to see how much the fans are going to enjoy the Cold Cave cover set and extended poetry reading

HC kid's tumblr a confusing smorgasboard of soft porn, pretentious photography and excruciatingly self-pitying, punctuation-free text

Insecure beatdown vocalist just waiting for the day when he is replaced by someone stupider, uglier, more unpleasant

Ardent exponent of obscure subgenre of HC can't believe doofus on internet listens to different, equivalent, obscure subgenre of HC

Vocalist keen to share his twin heartfelt messages of available merchandise and macho posturing

Newly inducted Crew member slightly disappointed to discover initiation ceremony entirely food-based

Supreme Hardcore Council decrees scene now completely full, emergency idiot-cull protocol now in effect

External hard drive labelled 'Downloads of new records I have every intention of purchasing' full again

Newly moved-in girlfriend's dance music collection immediately relegated to cupboard under stairs

Subliminal message #2: Our playlist for 2012 is Inherit, Tremors, Legal Highs.

Holy Terrorist to spend afternoon praying for the annihilation of all flesh, writing Christmas list

Fanatically atheistic front man adopting crucifixion pose at least twice per set

97% of European Beatdown YouTube videos tagged with keywords 'comedy gold'

FSU community outreach programme to teach advanced hate-mosh techniques to deprived inner city kids

Interviewer asks HR if, before they discuss his far-reaching & profound influence on HC, whether he would mind removing the space helmet

European hardcore decides to finally shrug off all American influence, and rely solely on its...erm...er...ah fuck it, USA! USA!

Guitarist dives into crowd mid-song with very little due care or regard for maintaining the chord structure of the piece being performed

NYHC SXE 88's annual reunion bar bill reaches five figures again

Headwalk executed exquisitely, callously

More time spent making blog graphically resemble cut-and-paste zine than would have taken to make actual cut-and-paste zine

Scene in confused frenzy as leaked footage of AN reunion appears on YouTube several weeks before show has actually taken place

Hungover label manager has the terrible feeling he agreed to a Good Clean Fun tribute comp last night

86% of band shots now comprised of 5 overweight, bearded men with spectacles on and hoods up trying to look both deeply sensitive and tough

Complete twat with all the charm & social skills of a dung beetle finds a place he can call home & will be welcomed with open arms: hardcore

Norman Bates and The Showerheads still patiently awaiting the NYHC renaissance glory to trickle down

Experienced HC dude happy to take time out to teach the new kids the subtle intricacies of the ignorant mosh

HC band coming to terms with the fact that despite their best intentions, they just aren't quite musically competent enough to sell out

Xmas 2052, Moshzilla's Grandkids roll their eyes as she repeats the story of how she was once Queen of something called 'the Internetz'

Buddha trying his best to be philosophical about it as Jesus and Krsna spend the whole meal swapping stories about their HC followings

Tour day 5: only by the continued absence of that weird rotting smell does the band realise bassist left behind at truck stop on tour day 3

Label's Black Friday deal gives you 30% off selected items if you use the checkout code 'TBHwewerejustgoingtoburnthiscrap'

Crowd-killing mosh move, whilst technically flawless, lacked the spontaneous flair that so beautifully fucked that kid's face up previously

Support band reassured by several people that sure, it sounded great from outside, from what they could tell

Band reassure gruff, growling vocalist that yes, they really can hear his profound and passionate sincerity in every incomprehensible word

Band put you in the confusing position of having to 'like' their band before you are given the evidence confirming you actively dislike them

Fugazi to release online audio archive of all 800 instances of Ian berating the audience for stagediving, dancing, talking, chewing gum

Urgent plea goes out to help touring HC band who were robbed of their dignity & self-respect after playing with several electronicore bands

Band reach ultimate exclusivity by inviting just one randomly-selected, mute, orphan child into a hermetically-sealed box to hear their demo

Girlfriend just about tolerating that shit you call music for third consecutive year, just as long as you keep it down, for fuck's sake

Mosher's Annual Performance Review setting some challenging but achievable targets around crowd-killing, spin kicks

Kickstarter's new premium service 'Shakedown' will trap fans in a dark alley & make them turn out their pockets at knifepoint for shit merch

Leak of HC bands' nudes causes frantic bidding between fans for limited friends only 'mangina' variants

Arduous four-hour band practice leaves rehearsal room air quality at Rick Ta Life's bedroom levels

Support band thrilled by big touring band respectfully watching 20 seconds of their soundcheck before ambling off, scratching their genitals

Eager young Posi HC kid putting every single demo/record/show he experienced this year on his 'Best of 2011' list

New DYS line up thinking ah fuck it, let's be SSD too, no-one's going to check

MySpace staff Christmas party providing complimentary drink, buffet, counselling

Girl persuaded to wear vintage HC shirt during sex told to remain motionless when deed finished, so shirt can be removed, sanitised, secured

Supreme Hardcore Council convenes, announces 2012 scene mood to be downgraded from 'cautiously optimistic' to 'jaded, and so very tired'

New Straight Edge documentary to take an in-depth look at the history of eye-wateringly tedious in-depth Straight Edge documentaries

Band member politely inquiring whether there is any real point releasing demo on cassette in 2012 treated like he has lost his fucking mind

HC kid claps and nods sincerely in support of vocalist's mumbled shout out for something utterly incomprehensible

Every single band that you ever cared about (or indeed, couldn't give a shit about) now successfully defecating on their own legacy

Singer of Harm’s Way deemed exempt from all satirical scrutiny

James, the insanely muscular vocalist for Chicago band Harm’s Way, has been designated a ‘satire free zone’ by this publication. Our Staff Writer reports: “We had a couple of stories we were considering running on this excellent, much respected outfit. Then we decided, after viewing some photos and video of James, that there really was nothing we wished to convey apart from the fact we have the utmost respect for Harm's Way, and James in particular. We have bought all their records, and can find absolutely nothing to say about them that would detract from their reputation in any way shape or form. Particularly, that photo where he is wearing that balaclava made us think, here is a guy who we really don’t feel we should satirise in any way. At all. In fact, we would like to stress to James that if even the appearance of this disclaimer has caused him any personal distress and inconvenience, then we would be more than happy to offer a frank and comprehensive apology. We would also be happy to compensate him monetarily for his trouble, via PayPal. James, if you are reading this - we love you, and we wish you, your family and all your friends every happiness. Always.” It was at this point our Staff Writer requested some fresh air, and appeared to be sweating profusely. “I’m sorry, a tiny bit of sick came into my mouth. I have to lie down.”

Eighth consecutive bump considered for demo release thread

Tucson, AZ. Franklin Wertz, of new hardcore band BloodxFight, was excited to announce the release of his band’s freshly recorded ‘packin’ it large’ demo to an unsuspecting public. And where better to do it than the B9board, the thriving and controversial message board of the Boston-based ‘Bridge 9 Records’ label. Unfortunately for Franklin, within minutes the thread had disappeared to page 5 of the board, amidst a sea of mild pornography and arguments between teenagers. Franklin complained: “It’s crazy. No sooner had I posted, than it just disappeared. It was one of those days where someone had been beaten up at a Terror show, plus some juggalo started posting – we didn’t have a hope in hell.” It was at this point Franklin started his controversial ‘thread bumping’ crusade. Re-posting in the thread pushed it back to the top of the list – but even after doing this seven times in the space of four hours, no-one had commented on the demo, which Franklin had described as ‘FFO Breakdown, Kid Dynamite and Slayer’. “People need to hear our jams! I saved my allowance for three months to record this! We need to build up some talk in time for our demo release show, we are supporting xRhinocerosx, for Chrissakes!”. Franklin experienced a brief ray of hope when he noticed that views of the thread had now reached 28, until he sadly realised that at least 27 of those had been generated by himself. He is currently contemplating an eighth consecutive thread bump, despite no responses at all. At time of writing, the thread is currently residing on page 22, sandwiched between a thread praising a YouTube video of someone being violently assaulted in an amusing fashion, and a thread entitled ‘Ass to mouth – ok LOL...have any of you guys ever actually tri’.

Ex-Straight Edger too embarrassed to admit he sold out with a wine-spritzer

Hartford, CT. 23 year old ex-edgeman Justin Feister recently decide to end his unbroken six-year stint abiding by the Straight Edge. “I just came to that point in my life where being edge was less of a priority. Don’t get me wrong, I still love the ‘core, and have complete respect for the edge, it’s just not such a big deal to me personally. Plus none of my friends are edge anymore.” Unfortunately for Justin, when the time came for him to sell out, the materials available were not of the nature he hoped. “I was mortified. I was with my girl Jess, she said she would supply everything I needed to go out in style. Then when it came to it, she completely forgot – and all we had at the house was two litres of premixed white wine-spritzer. I was determined that this was to be the day, so we went ahead. To be honest, it was delicious and refreshing, and gave me a buzz that was light and manageable.” Feister could not admit the truth to his fellow core-men: “I made the story up – I told them I sank two bottles of Jack Daniels and a gram of coke. They were impressed, and a couple of them high-fived and hugged me. In reality, the smell of JD makes me feel sick, and I wouldn’t have the first clue where to score coke. And no way am I putting that shit up my nose anyway.” Feister was the last of his original crew of five ex-edgemen to break. “They make a lot of noise about how they like to party now, but to be honest I have rarely seen them drink, let alone anything else. My bro Eddie threw up after two glasses of beer on his birthday.” Feister admits he has no plans to drink anything other than spritzers for the time being. “I tried the wine on its own, but I nearly choked, and some of it came out my nose.”

Holy Terror movement 'to branch out into ska'

Holy Terror has long been associated with metallic, heavy, crushing hardcore – but in an effort to draw in a wider audience, a sea change is in the air. Movement founder and Integrity vocalist Dwid Hellion explains: “Holy Terror has been using heavy music to endorse and celebrate the destruction of all humanity for many years now – but we feel the time has come to broaden our appeal musically. If we want to draw in enough fans to guarantee the destruction of all flesh in an orgiastic apocalypse, we need to take a bold new direction. We feel that the milquetoast bounce of ska and ska punk is the right medium to do this. A lot of these kids are put off by the aggressive nature of HT and the people involved. We need a friendlier face to draw in the nerds.” Some Holy Terror fans seem nervous at the prospect – review site aversiononline.com was quoted as saying: “This is a mistake. I mean, can you see Mike Cheese from Gehenna in a pork pie hat and a skinny tie? We say if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”. Dwid seeks to reassure: “Integrity for one will still be releasing music in keeping with our heritage, instead we will be encouraging other members of the fold to try something new. Rot in Hell’s new record is going to surprise a LOT of people.”. He concluded: “Pickitup!”.

Girth Crisis: reunion obesity at critical levels

With the ongoing trend of hardcore bands from the late eighties and early nineties playing reunion shows still in full swing, an unexpected problem has manifested itself– middle age excess mean bands are now up to five times the combined weight they once were. Promoter Joe Fibriani explains: “It’s a real problem. You take a band that was once some seriously athletic dudes who looked after themselves, and look at them now. Did you see the pictures from the No For An Answer reunion last year? Some of these guys are now upwards of 200 pounds. This causes all kinds of headaches. If all the members of one of these bands have let themselves go like this, some of the stages in the smaller venues just can’t cope. I have had to abandon shows at venues where we are unable to reinforce the stage.” Fibriani identified another difficult aspect: “These guys may be cool about not getting paid huge amounts for every show, but even so, their riders are out of control – Killing Time almost bankrupted me with the amount of food they required. Whenh we got to my place I had to physically restrain one of them from eating my cat’s dinner, for chrissakes.” Promoters are now very wary about booking reunion shows without some kind of pre-agreed weigh-in. Fibriani concludes: “There was talk of a super-group featuring Frosty from Chain and the Strife drummer Sid amongst others– I had to turn it down, my insurers won’t cover the potential structural damage.”