Eighth consecutive bump considered for demo release thread

Tucson, AZ. Franklin Wertz, of new hardcore band BloodxFight, was excited to announce the release of his band’s freshly recorded ‘packin’ it large’ demo to an unsuspecting public. And where better to do it than the B9board, the thriving and controversial message board of the Boston-based ‘Bridge 9 Records’ label. Unfortunately for Franklin, within minutes the thread had disappeared to page 5 of the board, amidst a sea of mild pornography and arguments between teenagers. Franklin complained: “It’s crazy. No sooner had I posted, than it just disappeared. It was one of those days where someone had been beaten up at a Terror show, plus some juggalo started posting – we didn’t have a hope in hell.” It was at this point Franklin started his controversial ‘thread bumping’ crusade. Re-posting in the thread pushed it back to the top of the list – but even after doing this seven times in the space of four hours, no-one had commented on the demo, which Franklin had described as ‘FFO Breakdown, Kid Dynamite and Slayer’. “People need to hear our jams! I saved my allowance for three months to record this! We need to build up some talk in time for our demo release show, we are supporting xRhinocerosx, for Chrissakes!”. Franklin experienced a brief ray of hope when he noticed that views of the thread had now reached 28, until he sadly realised that at least 27 of those had been generated by himself. He is currently contemplating an eighth consecutive thread bump, despite no responses at all. At time of writing, the thread is currently residing on page 22, sandwiched between a thread praising a YouTube video of someone being violently assaulted in an amusing fashion, and a thread entitled ‘Ass to mouth – ok LOL...have any of you guys ever actually tri’.

Ex-Straight Edger too embarrassed to admit he sold out with a wine-spritzer

Hartford, CT. 23 year old ex-edgeman Justin Feister recently decide to end his unbroken six-year stint abiding by the Straight Edge. “I just came to that point in my life where being edge was less of a priority. Don’t get me wrong, I still love the ‘core, and have complete respect for the edge, it’s just not such a big deal to me personally. Plus none of my friends are edge anymore.” Unfortunately for Justin, when the time came for him to sell out, the materials available were not of the nature he hoped. “I was mortified. I was with my girl Jess, she said she would supply everything I needed to go out in style. Then when it came to it, she completely forgot – and all we had at the house was two litres of premixed white wine-spritzer. I was determined that this was to be the day, so we went ahead. To be honest, it was delicious and refreshing, and gave me a buzz that was light and manageable.” Feister could not admit the truth to his fellow core-men: “I made the story up – I told them I sank two bottles of Jack Daniels and a gram of coke. They were impressed, and a couple of them high-fived and hugged me. In reality, the smell of JD makes me feel sick, and I wouldn’t have the first clue where to score coke. And no way am I putting that shit up my nose anyway.” Feister was the last of his original crew of five ex-edgemen to break. “They make a lot of noise about how they like to party now, but to be honest I have rarely seen them drink, let alone anything else. My bro Eddie threw up after two glasses of beer on his birthday.” Feister admits he has no plans to drink anything other than spritzers for the time being. “I tried the wine on its own, but I nearly choked, and some of it came out my nose.”

Holy Terror movement 'to branch out into ska'

Holy Terror has long been associated with metallic, heavy, crushing hardcore – but in an effort to draw in a wider audience, a sea change is in the air. Movement founder and Integrity vocalist Dwid Hellion explains: “Holy Terror has been using heavy music to endorse and celebrate the destruction of all humanity for many years now – but we feel the time has come to broaden our appeal musically. If we want to draw in enough fans to guarantee the destruction of all flesh in an orgiastic apocalypse, we need to take a bold new direction. We feel that the milquetoast bounce of ska and ska punk is the right medium to do this. A lot of these kids are put off by the aggressive nature of HT and the people involved. We need a friendlier face to draw in the nerds.” Some Holy Terror fans seem nervous at the prospect – review site aversiononline.com was quoted as saying: “This is a mistake. I mean, can you see Mike Cheese from Gehenna in a pork pie hat and a skinny tie? We say if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”. Dwid seeks to reassure: “Integrity for one will still be releasing music in keeping with our heritage, instead we will be encouraging other members of the fold to try something new. Rot in Hell’s new record is going to surprise a LOT of people.”. He concluded: “Pickitup!”.

Girth Crisis: reunion obesity at critical levels

With the ongoing trend of hardcore bands from the late eighties and early nineties playing reunion shows still in full swing, an unexpected problem has manifested itself– middle age excess mean bands are now up to five times the combined weight they once were. Promoter Joe Fibriani explains: “It’s a real problem. You take a band that was once some seriously athletic dudes who looked after themselves, and look at them now. Did you see the pictures from the No For An Answer reunion last year? Some of these guys are now upwards of 200 pounds. This causes all kinds of headaches. If all the members of one of these bands have let themselves go like this, some of the stages in the smaller venues just can’t cope. I have had to abandon shows at venues where we are unable to reinforce the stage.” Fibriani identified another difficult aspect: “These guys may be cool about not getting paid huge amounts for every show, but even so, their riders are out of control – Killing Time almost bankrupted me with the amount of food they required. Whenh we got to my place I had to physically restrain one of them from eating my cat’s dinner, for chrissakes.” Promoters are now very wary about booking reunion shows without some kind of pre-agreed weigh-in. Fibriani concludes: “There was talk of a super-group featuring Frosty from Chain and the Strife drummer Sid amongst others– I had to turn it down, my insurers won’t cover the potential structural damage.”